I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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