Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
