watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
