Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize