my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
