shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
