I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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