Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
