it was like his penis was on wheels.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize