If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
