i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
