I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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