the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She's not a foreskin expert like you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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