I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
