When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
