I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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