she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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