2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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