note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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