sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
