I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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