update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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