We named our party play list daddy issues
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
