well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
