Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
