Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
