My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
