I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
