I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
