Your mouth is God's brothel.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
