Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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