Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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