Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize