Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
