hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
