but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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