I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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