dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
