FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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