I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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