His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
