my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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