"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
