Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
