This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize