You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
