Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
