69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
