I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
