you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
