did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize