That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize