They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize