if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
