I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
