She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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