I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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