don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
being pregnant is like rehab
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
