You can't special order awesome
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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