OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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