the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize