she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
