the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he fucked my hip out of place.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
