I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
is it fun? or sober?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
