So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
foreskin is a definite game changer
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
