I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
