I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
barbara walters just said penis...
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
